“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict .” Dorothy Thompson
Many of us are given mixed messages about conflict. Some of us were taught to ‘turn the other cheek’ while others see this as weakness and believe it is best to ’stand up and fight.’ So what is right and what is wrong? How is the best way to resolve conflict?
I used to believe there was right and wrong. I used to see the world, conflict and everything in black or white. But, recently, I have come to see that every conflict is actually this beautiful dance between varying shades of grey and when we stop focusing on our opposites, we can see that we are closer than we think and there are creative ways everyone can leave feeling like their needs have been met. Yes, this can really happen, even in situations that appear to be opposite.
I love the quote above because it so eloquently reminds me that being peaceful is not about giving in, it’s not about avoiding or removing the conlict, it is about finding creative solutions as a way to resolve a conflict.
I love too, that when I take away the right and wrongness of a situation and step back, when I am able to look at it from a creative perspective instead of my staunch defensive or offensive position, I find I am able to see the variance of greys and the solutions start to emerge more easily and more creatively than I could ever imagine.
It is this creative approach that allows everyone to leave the table feeling heard. It is this approach that has led me to love the process of interest-based mediation and negotiation. It is this approach that has helped me feel more confident resolving conflict and more often than not, have everyone leaving the situation feeling pleased with the results.
The one thing that has helped me most in the face of conflict has been to take a moment to really consider the other person, be creative and look for real solutions instead of fighting for a position that is often less about the topic and more about winning or losing.
I challenge you to try an experiement in your life. When a small conflict arises, one that you are not strongly attached to, take a moment to look for a creative solution that might meet all parties needs. See what happens when you are able to step out of anger, out of you position and look for something more creative.
I love this. You are brilliant!
What a fabulous quote, and a great post! I have ample opportunities to remember this when interacting with my children and trying to support their interactions with each other. It is certainly true in my home that an open approach toward listening and finding creative solutions goes much farther than any focus on right/wrong or win/lose!