We must be the change we wish to see in the world. – Gandhi
I love this quote and see how important it is when applied to resolving conflict situations in our lives. How often have you thought, “If only he/she/they would change their position, then this conflict would stop.” But have you stopped to think what could happen if YOU were the one to change?
I used to be a ‘fight to the death’ kind of person, especially over really important things (poking fun at myself here) like how to fold the towels or what was the best route to the store. And if a topic was really important, there was no way I would back down. What I didn’t realize was how much time and energy I expended, not to mention the fact that it continuously hurt my relationships.
One day, in the midst of an argument, I suddenly realized that I could change my point of view. And what occurred in that magical moment was me gaining clarity and insight and instead of formulating my rebuttal, I actually started to listen to the person.
Two things happened when I really listened. First, I realized what we were fighting about was so ridiculous it couldn’t possibly be about what we were fighting about and second, I got curious and asked myself, “I wonder what’s going on in their life to cause them to come at me like this?”
That moment was truly eye-opening for me. And, when I played around with it a little more, I started to discover that I was less interested in fighting over things and I suddenly had less drama and conflict in my daily life. But what really caught my attention was the fact that when I was able and willing to shift, the conflict would disappear quickly. And, looking back with a distance, I can see how I have gained so much more in the long run by not engaging, than if I had stuck it out to try to win.
Since doing this, my relationships have improved, the angry times in my life have decreased significantly and I find I get far more of what I want, by seemingly giving up little things along the way. It’s not giving up though. It comes from a more peaceful place inside. An inner knowing that the bigger picture is more important than whatever little trivial argument is playing out between us right now.
Now, I’m not saying I no longer get angry or I refuse to stand up for a cause when I need to. And I’m also not saying I lay down and let people walk all over me. What I am saying is that there is a time and a place for these things and when I am able to come from a place of understanding there is something bigger going on than fighting over who takes out the trash, and great things can happen when I make more effort to shift. And when one person, ME, does that, the whole conflict dynamic changes.
And, as odd as it may sound, I win more often by not engaging in arguments or really trying to understand the other person, than I ever did trying to beat my oponent, coerce them, change their mind, belittle them, wait for them to change or stand toe to toe arguing opposite positions with them.
Gandhi’s quote reminds me of this realization I had and how I started to create the change I wanted by doing it myself. If I want to feel more peace in my life, I have to become more peaceful. If I want to resolve conflict more easily, I need to be willing to resolve the conflict. If I want to see change in the world, it must start with me…instead of waiting for someone else to do it.
What are you willing to do today to be the change you want to see in your world?
