Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha
I love this quote and how well it describes what happens when we are angry. Anger can be positive. Sometimes, it is even better than another emotion we’ve been feeling and it helps move us forward. But there comes a time if we’re honest with ourselves, when we know it is no longer serving us and see it’s actually working against us.
About two years ago, I was asked to do someone a favor. It involved something that I really wasn’t keen to do and was actually putting me out quite a bit. I bought into their maniupulative statements and guilt trip and reluctantly agreed. Enter…the martyr.
The morning when I was set to do this favor started out with me getting up on the wrong side of the bed. I was angry at the other person, angry at myself for agreeing and generally focused on how much this was going to put me out and how I really didn’t want to do this at all.
I set out and had numerous things go wrong. The entire day was filled with mishaps, little annoyances, running into unfriendly and unhelpful people, etc. etc. I met a friend for dinner at a place that was more expensive than anticipated and when my friend realized she had no money with her and I got stuck paying the bill.
Now I was more than annoyed, I was angry. I sat in my car and reflected on the day. It was like a bad movie playing in my head and as I distanced myself from the main character I laughed out loud! I realized, I had spent the entire day setting out to punish this other person for asking me to do this favour and in the meantime, punished myself repeatedly all day.
What struck me as funny was how my being grumpy, stomping and storming around by myself, encountering other people in the same mood and being generally in a fowl mood didn’t affect the other person or their day at all. I was being angry and holding the coal all day wanting to throw it at the other person, but in the meantime, my own hand was burned to a crisp!
I also realized I was projecting my anger onto the other person, because it felt easier to be angry at someone else and not really look at myself. But, deep down, I realized I was angry with myself for agreeing to do something I really didn’t want to do and then angry because I could have turned it into a wonderful day of shopping and fun, but instead, I made it ugly for myself.
How often do you do this…get burned by the coal while trying to throw it at someone else?
I love this! Once when I was lamenting to a friend about how angry I was with someone, this very wise friend asked me if I was so angry at this other person that I wanted to hurt myself. Huh? Of course not, I said. Well, he opened my eyes that day and showed me that it was precisely what I was doing.
Good stuff!
Too often, thank you for this beautiful reminder. I have always been a grudge holder, and am trying to change that. Too many times I have hurt myself by being angry at someone else past the “productive” stage of anger and into the destructive and debilitative stages. The hot coal is a great visual for me to remember this! Thank you!
Very well put. Right after I read this yesterday I found myself in a frustrating situation and was getting angry at my partner. It was really helpful to have just read this and it helped me to move towards finding release rather than holding onto it.
Thank you.