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Awareness

June 23, 2009 by guidedsolutions

“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

How simple this sounds and how difficult it is in practice sometimes.

  

We have been taught in our culture to place our feelings outside of ourselves.  We place our happiness and sadness in others, in events, behaviours and words spoken to us.  We have somehow forgotten or gotten confused that it is always our choice to come back to ourselves and change the way we feel inside.

  

I remember when my son was very ill.  It was the most difficult time of my life.  I got caught up in my worries and fears.  I believed, for a time, that the only way he would get better was my constant concern, my constant search for the ‘answer’, my constant worry and attention. 

  

I was completely swept away by my emotions and caught so deeply in the fear that I couldn’t see how that was what was hurting me, not the illness my son was facing.

  

I had a revelation at that time.  I hit rock bottom and remembered/realized that I needed to let go of my fear and worry.  I needed to embrace the situation, stop resisting what was happening external to me and ultimately, beyond my control.  I grabbed hold of my own emotional state and made the choice to feel better. 

 

I neutralized the situation and immediately found that all the pain, all the hurt and all the fear I had been feeling was actually my own creation.  And, as simply as I had created it, I could undo it.  That is what I did.

 

I chose in that moment and the following moments to be at ease.  I chose to release my fear and worry and embrace the love I felt for my son.  I focused on my love, on our love and on the strength we had with one another.  I focused on gratitude and celebrated every moment I had to spend with him.

 

I shifted.  And, in shifting, I got my life back.  I brought it back to me.  I brought my pain and suffering back to the place it originated and the place where it was growing and I transformed it into love and gratitude.

 

I know from my own experience that it probably would have seemed impossible to do if someone had suggested that to me.  But, when I did it, it was the easiest thing in the world.

 


It is always about bringing it back to us.  It is always about ourselves.

 

I challenge you to look at your life and transform yourself too.

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Creating Alternatives

March 9, 2009 by guidedsolutions

“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict .”  Dorothy Thompson
 
Many of us are given mixed messages about conflict.  Some of us were taught to ‘turn the other cheek’ while others see this as weakness and believe it is best to ’stand up and fight.’  So what is right and what is wrong?  How is the best way to resolve conflict?
I used to believe there was right and wrong.  I used to see the world, conflict and everything more often in black or white.  But, recently, I have come to see that every conflict is actually this beautiful dance between varying shades of grey and when we stop focusing on our opposites, we can see that we are closer than we think and there are creative ways everyone can leave feeling like their needs have been met.  Yes, this can really happen, even in situations that appear to be opposities.
I love the quote above because it so eloquently reminds me that being peaceful is not about giving in, it’s not about avoiding or removing the conlict, it is about finding creative solutions as a way to resolve a conflict. 

I love too, that when I take away the right and wrongness of a situation and step back, when I am able to look at it from a creative perspective instead of my staunch defensive or offensive position, I find I am able to see that dance of greys and the solutions start to emerge more easily and more creatively than I could ever imagine.

It is this creative approach that allows everyone to leave the table feeling heard.  It is this approach that has led me to love the process of interest-based mediation and negotiation.  It is this approach that has helped me feel more confident resolving conflict and more often than not, have everyone leaving the situation feeling pleased with the results.
The one thing that has helped me most to do this in the face of conflict has been to take a moment to really consider the other person,  be creative and look for real solutions instead of fighting for a position that is often less about the topic and more about winning or losing.
I challenge you to try an experiement in your life.  When a small conflict arises, one that you are not strongly attached to,  take a moment to look for a creative solution that might meet all parties needs.  See what happens when you are able to step out of anger, out of you position and look for something more creative. 

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All You Need

February 14, 2009 by guidedsolutions

“All you need is love, love.  Love is all you need.”  – John Lennon/The Beatles

 

We’ve become so busy in our lives.  We’re always running here or there, we’re responding to numerous electronic devices, we’re bombarded with multiple stimuli at all times and stressed to the max.  It’s easy to see how we can sometimes forget the simple, yet powerful message written in these lyrics.

 

Despite the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m not talking about romantic love.  I’m talking about a deeper and more meaningful and profound kind of love.  The kind of love that is universal.  The kind of love that encourages us to reach out and help one another, to be kind to ourselves and each other, to share what we have with another.  The kind of love that heals.  The kind of love that resonates so deeply and profoundly that people everywhere can’t help but notice and sometimes have their lives transformed by it.  The kind of love that sets forth a ripple in the water.

 

This kind of love is the love that allows us to comfort someone who’s hurting, give a friend the benefit of the doubt, help someone in their time of need.  Offer a smile to a stranger.

 

It is this kind of love that gets lost in translation somewhere between a BFF and a TTYL message in a text.

 

It is the kind of love that has to be cultivated, the kind that has to be felt.  The kind that demands we stop our busy-ness, stop our chronic electronic device checking, stop our insane schedules and just be in the moment, sharing that moment with others, with nature, with ourselves.

 

It is the kind of love that moves mountains and heals planets.

 

I ask you, to take a moment on this day of love and see if you can connect with this love and find an expression of it that matches how you feel it.

 

Love…it really is all you need.

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Looking for Good

October 1, 2008 by guidedsolutions

“When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will.”  Abraham Lincoln

 

We don’t have to go far to see this is true.  Stand in line at any grocery store and read the headlines on the magazines, watch the evening news, ask someone their opinion about someone else.  We are bombarded with images and stories and often spend our time talking about the bad things that others have done or are doing.  As a society we have become skilled at finding the bad in any situation.

 

But how often do you stop to look for the good?

 

There are times when looking for the good in things can be difficult, and yet, when we do, it really does make things better and often things become easier too.  When faced with a difficult situation, it can be even more challenging to find the good, but it’s there.  Something good can be found in all things.  Sometimes we have to really look to find it, but it’s always there.

 

I am reminded of a story where a friend and I were waiting for someone.  The person was late.  My friend was getting increasingly more upset about the lateness to the point of becoming quite agitated.  She was assuming the worst of this person.  I suggested that something unexpected, perhaps even an emergency had arisen, but my friend was feeling so wronged, she was not able to see that as a possible solution.  As it turned out, there had been an emergency.

 

What I realized, in that moment, is that we DON’T know what’s happening for another person.   We have no idea what’s going on, what’s happening or why they are doing something.  This is part of why I love my conflict coaching and mediation so much.  It gives me a chance to help people see there is another side, that even when we think the other person is doing something horrible or hurtful, when we really uncover what’s going on, it often looks very different and the potential exists for both people walk away feeling so much better.

 

I have come to realize that every person and situation has more going on than what appears on the surface.  When we take the time to look beyond what we think we know, what we see, or what it appears to be, we can often be surprised.

 

When we look for the bad, we can easily find it.  But when we look for the good, we can be surprised at what we find and how it can change us.

 

I challenge you to spend a moment, an hour, a day or a week, just looking for the opportunities to see the good in mankind.  When you hear something bad, ask yourself if you could also see something good.  Refuse to accept what seems to be on the surface, look for something more.

 

If you look for the good in mankind…what do you think you will find?

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I Am Here So Here I Am

August 4, 2008 by guidedsolutions

Wherever you go, there you are.

 

What I love about this quote is that it means everything I do, everywhere I go, every experience I have;  it’s all me.  It comes from me, it’s all about me, it is all created, experienced and even interpretted by me.   No matter what I do, where I go, or what is going on, I’m always there because it’s all about me.

 

So many of us get caught up in the idea that things external to us are the cause of our happiness and the cause of our pain.  If something isn’t working…a relationship, a job, our house, our community, whatever…we blame that thing for our unhappiness.  Sometimes we’ll stay stuck there and keep complaining about it and sometimes we choose to change it or leave it thinking that ridding ourselves of it will make us feel better.  But either way it doesn’t change.  Complaining just becomes wasted energy if it doesn’t motivate us to change.  And choosing to leave something old that isn’t making us happy, to embrace something new in hopes it will make us happy, inevitably leads us right back where we were before.  Why?  Because we are always where we are.

 

It’s not the job, it’s not the relationship or the house or the city or whatever, it’s us.  Whatever we’re feeling comes from inside, not from the things we are doing, being or having.  So, when we hate the city we live in, it has less to do with the city than it does with us.  It’s easier to blame it on the job, our partner, the community, or whatever but ultimately, that holds us back from what we really want in our lives.

 

There are times when change is necessary, when it’s important to move forward, when we feel inspired to take action, or make a move to change our situation.  When that happens, we are knowing it’s time to move forward into something new, which is a very different feeling than being unhappy and feeling the need to get as far away as possible from something that’s not working.

 

How often do you find yourself in situations that have different characters or scenes, but ultimately feel the same yucky way inside?  How often do you think about changing the circumstances in your life because you’re longing to feel happier? 

 

If you’re just making the external changes to situations in your life, it rarely has the lasting effects we desire.   In fact, usually the next time around, we tend to feel even more angst than before and it just keeps feeling worse and worse as we go along.  But, when you stop to look at yourself, make a small shift, look at things a bit differently, the changes that can happen can be monumentous and more fulfilling than you even imagine.

 

Wherever I go, I’m always there. 

So, I ask you…Is the place you are right now, the place you really want it to be?

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Changing Me Changes My Conflict

July 27, 2008 by guidedsolutions

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. – Gandhi

 

I love this quote and see how important it can be when applied to resolving conflict situations in our lives.  How often have you thought, “If only he/she/they would change their position, then this conflict would stop.”  But have you stopped to think what could happen if YOU were the one to change?

 

I used to be a ‘fight to the death’ kind of person, especially over really important things (poking fun at myself here) like how to fold the towels or what was the best route to the store.  And if a topic was really important, there was no way I would back down.  What I didn’t realize was how much time and energy I expended, not to mention the fact that it continuously hurt my relationships (just ask my ex-husband)!

 

One day, in the midst of an argument, I suddenly realized that I could change my point of view.  And what occurred in that magical moment was me gaining clarity and insight and instead of formulating my rebuttal, I actually started to listen to the person. 

 

Two things happened when I really listened.  First, I realized what we were fighting about was so ridiculous it couldn’t possibly be about what we were fighting about and second, I got curious and asked myself, “I wonder what’s going on in their life to cause them to come at me like this?”

 

That moment was truly eye-opening for me.  And, when I played around with it a little more, I started to discover that I was less interested in fighting over things and I suddenly had less drama and conflict in my daily life.  But what really caught my attention was the fact that when I was able and willing to shift, the conflict would disappear quickly.  And, looking back with a distance, I can see how I have gained so much more in the long run by not engaging, than if I had stuck it out to try to win.

 

Since doing this, my relationships have improved, the angry times in my life have decreased significantly and I find I get far more of what I want, by seemingly giving up little things along the way.  It’s not giving up though.  It comes from a more peaceful place inside.  An inner knowing that the bigger picture is more important than whatever little trivial argument is playing out between us right now.

 

Now, I’m not saying I no longer get angry or I refuse to stand up for a cause when I need to.  And I’m also not saying I lay down and let people walk all over me.  What I am saying is that there is a time and a place for these things and when I am able to come from a place of understanding there is something bigger going on than fighting over who takes out the trash, and great things can happen when I make more effort to shift.  And when one person, ME, does that, the whole conflict dynamic changes. 

 

And, as odd as it may sound, I win more often by not engaging in arguments or really trying to understand the other person,  than I ever did trying to beat my oponent, coerce them, change their mind, belittle them, wait for them to change or stand toe to toe arguing opposite positions with them.

 

Gandhi’s quote reminds me of this realization I had and how I started to create the change I wanted by doing it myself.  If I want to feel more peace in my life, I have to become more peaceful.  If I want to resolve conflict more easily, I need to be willing to resolve the conflict.  If I want to see change in the world, it must start with me…instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

What are you willing to do today to be the change you want to see in your world?

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Welcome to Guided Solutions

July 16, 2008 by guidedsolutions

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha   

I love this quote and how well it describes what happens when we are angry.  Anger can be positive.  Sometimes, it is even better than another emotion we’ve been feeling and it helps move us forward.  But there comes a time if we’re honest with ourselves, when we know it is no longer serving us and see it’s actually working against us.

About two years ago, I was asked to do someone a favor.  It involved something that I really wasn’t keen to do and was actually putting me out quite a bit.  I bought into their maniupulative statements and guilt trip and reluctantly agreed.  Enter…the martyr.

The morning when I was set to do this favor started out with me getting up on the wrong side of the bed.  I was angry at the other person, angry at myself for agreeing and generally focused on how much this was going to put me out and how I really didn’t want to do this at all.

I set out and had numerous things go wrong.  The entire day was filled with mishaps, little annoyances, running into unfriendly and unhelpful people, etc. etc.   I met a friend for dinner at a place that was more expensive than anticipated and when my friend realized she had no money with her and I got stuck paying the bill.

Now I was more than annoyed, I was angry.  I sat in my car and reflected on the day.  It was like a bad movie playing in my head and as I distanced myself from the main character I laughed out loud!  I realized, I had spent the entire day setting out to punish this other person for asking me to do this favour and in the meantime, punished myself repeatedly all day.

What struck me as funny was how my being grumpy, stomping and storming around by myself, encountering other people in the same mood and being generally in a fowl mood didn’t affect the other person or their day at all.  I was being angry and holding the coal all day wanting to throw it at the other person, but in the meantime,  my own hand was burned to a crisp!

I also realized I was projecting my anger onto the other person, because it felt  easier to be angry at someone else and not really look at myself.  But, deep down, I realized I was angry with myself for agreeing to do something I really didn’t want to do and then angry because I could have turned it into a wonderful day of shopping and fun, but instead, I made it ugly for myself.

How often do you do this…get burned by the coal while trying to throw it at someone else?

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