Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. – Don Miguel Ruiz, “The Four Agreements”
In my years of personal growth and self discovery, this one concept has probably stood out as the most impactful for me. There are two very important messages in this powerful idea, both of which can really help set a person free.
The first message is as it states. “Don’t take anything personally.” This was so revolutionary for me because I had been brought up to believe things I said and did impacted others. I was taught what would hurt other people’s feelings, what was rude for others, what made others feel happy and in learning that, I was also being taught that what others said and did could affect me and what I was feeling.
It’s difficult to move through life that way, because we really can’t control what anyone else says or does to us. Thinking that other people have that kind of power over us feels very much like a victim and leaves us feeling helpless and vulnerable. It’s no wonder situations of conflict have become so difficult for us, because both parties feel they have been a victim at the hands of the other’s words or actions and feeling like a victim never feels good. It places us in the position of defensiveness, wanting to feel right or needing an apology from the other party, none of which are conducive to peaceful resolution.
Realizing that the words or actions of another are not about me is an incredible discovery because it frees us from that tie of victimhood and allows us to see where that other person is coming from and what they are experiencing inside, which can lead to peaceful resolution.
This does not absolve me from all accountability though. There are times when the person will say something and it matches what I feel about myself. In those times, it feels really hard to not take it personally, but it hurts because they are expressing something that I feeling about myself already. In those times, it is especially important for us to recognize that it’s about something inside us, so we can focus on ourselves and heal instead of letting it get lost in misdirected anger at the other person.
The second part of this message is that whatever I am saying to another person is then not about them, but it is about me and how I’m feeling. Of course, the words I’ve said may not be specifically about me, but the emotion behind it, is a complete reflection of what I’m feeling inside.
What we’ve been taught (believing others control how we feel) is now turned on it’s head and we are now in the driver’s seat. If I am angry at another person, it is an indication to me that I’m angry or upset and taking it out on them. It has less to do with them or what they’ve done and more to do with me. At first this may appear to be switching the blame from them to ourselves, but I assure you it’s not. It’s about seeing what is really going on and getting to the real root, instead of projecting it onto someone else. That is the key to true conflict resolution. I may feel hurt by something said to me, but when I take the focus off them and turn inward to myself, I see that I was hurting already and their words merely matched what I had been feeling.
It takes courage to be accountable instead of blaming the other person (especially when we are really hurting). It feels easier to focus our feelings on the other person because we’ve spent our lifetime in this default position, so it takes conscious awareness to realize that our emotion is not about the person or situation, but something within us. However, when we can start to shift our perspective and see our own part in it, there is an incredible feeling of peace and power that comes over us. Because unlike what we’ve been taught (that we are at the mercy of others), being in control of our own feelings allows us the capacity to then change them and that is what sets us free.
After years of knowing this concept, there are still many times when I take things personally or say things to the other person that have nothing to do with them. It takes a lot of conscious effort to make this shift, but when I do the results are huge. It helps reduce conflict and in times of conflict, it shortens the intensity and duration, even if only one person sees their part in it and stops projecting onto the other.
Are there ways you can free yourself by not taking things so personally?
